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wtf. [02 Sep 2007|11:19pm]
it's been a LONG time wince i even thought about livejournal.

make me feel out of place

[24 Jan 2007|07:58pm]
long over due. as if anyone still reads this. other than jac.

i'm here and alive.

i'm taking a recording arts class with travis starting tomorrow.

i'm waiting for my transcripts to come in from NHI so i can set up an interview at the san diego and carlsbad police departments.

i'm working at in n out and payless.

my life isn't as exciting as it was a year and a half ago. at all. what happened? i'm getting old. am i really getting old already? i'm only twentyone and i'm already about to have a fucking career. a career. that's retarded. twentyone with a career. what happened to the good times? living in a warehouse with other young people who always had young friends over for huge parties.

that's it. i'm doomed to be old forever. it doesn't help that the only friends i have down here are younger than me. i really need to get some older friends. i need some older friends. i need to be the baby again, not the old person who gets alcohol. although i do really enjoy the friends i have here.

my boyriend is a big dork. but i like him still.

i'm still around and i do believe i'm going fucking crazy. quite literally.

how can i be old already? i need a life again.
1 comment on my clothing and the makeup on my face| make me feel out of place

update central. [21 Jul 2006|02:48pm]
you should really call me sometime soon, everyone. 5057917405 i'd like to hear from you.

i'm back in sf finishing up school. it was only supposed to be two months, but they decided to put me back for another full semester, so i won't be done until mid january. which means i won't be back until mid january, unfortunately. the charged me a one hundred dollar re-enrollment fee plus another fifty percent of tuition. so now this school cost me 1800 dollars plus. fucking rad. i have to make payment of about 500 a month now and i don't have a job. also rad.

i'm still waiting for the fact that i have a boyfriend to set in. which is definately more difficult when he's not around ever. but the month i spent in san diego was really really nice. i really like this boy a lot and i really don't care anymore if anyone thinks it's a ridiculous situation. it is, and i know it is, but i also really like travis and that's all that matters to me, frankly.

i haven't had much interaction with anyone since i've been back. maybe i should keep it that way, maybe that will help me finally finish school. but i can't not be social, it's just not in me. i'm kind of going insane. my school fucked me by giving me the 1:15-5:15 schedule. that means it's going to be damn near impossible for me to find work. my first payment is due on the twentysixth of next month. fuck.

school is imperative. but finishing school is so hard unless you have someone to support you. supporting oneself and going to school should be easier. sometimes i get really jealous of people whose parents support them. that's so easy, they can do what they need to do to make a good living for themselves.
1 comment on my clothing and the makeup on my face| make me feel out of place

[17 May 2006|02:09pm]
twentyeight days this time, noone can stop me. nothing will stop me.
make me feel out of place

[22 Apr 2006|04:15am]
Hey, you...!!

Twentyseven days until I'm sitting in your car!!
make me feel out of place

[11 Apr 2006|01:29pm]
Happiness is garlic salted stove popped popcorn and the phone call that could've saved my lap from vanilla ice cream!!
make me feel out of place

Oh my. [10 Apr 2006|09:00pm]
I miss the city so hard it hurts my heart to think about it.
make me feel out of place

It's not you, it's me. [09 Apr 2006|02:36pm]
I said I'd be loyal to LJ forever.
But MySpace took over my life.

Maybe I should quit MySpace?
I'll quit when I geta boyfriend to keep me occupied.

It might be a minute.
1 comment on my clothing and the makeup on my face| make me feel out of place

[20 Mar 2006|11:44am]
I haven't experienced a thunderstorm in a very, very long time.
Last night's storm was beautiful.
What wasn't beautiful is Clovis' lack of a satisfactory street drain system.

I was very upset at the turnout to the Hole on Saturday.
Clair de Lune is rad.
This Flood is, also.
And they are an extraordinary group of gentlemen.

It's too bad there isn't more to Clovis.
The flood boys got into town early and I was entertaining them.
That was difficult.
But something good did come away from it.

Made with love.
make me feel out of place

[12 Mar 2006|08:16am]
I may or may not have a semi-unacceptableinappropriate (was the word I was looking for in the first place) crush on someone.

40 Year Old Virgin fucking rocks, by the way.

Brian Kwan, where the fuck are you?
1 comment on my clothing and the makeup on my face| make me feel out of place

Also... [11 Mar 2006|02:51am]
I figured out why I moved back to Clovis, NM.
(I've been pondering for about a week.)

It's the people.
2 comments on my clothing and the makeup on my face| make me feel out of place

[09 Mar 2006|10:12pm]
Today one year ago:
For the record, I'm still obsessed with HHH. I did go buy Make Up The Breakdown yesterday. I broke a record, bought two CDs in one month. WOO, I'm nuts!

I'm also getting kicked off the computer. Excellent. I hate public computers. Hate them, hate them, hate them.

And I went to the City. More on that later.

PS: Bloc Party at Popscene 3/24. Gotta see that.

Today two years ago:
I can't even wrap my own fucking fajita!Collapse )

Today (actually March 15) three years ago:
damn poonard.Collapse )

I went to my old therapist today.
It's good to talk to someone without thinking they'll bring back what you say.
We spoke of happiness.
Actually, I spoke.
I talked about what happiness means, how I might be able to find happiness, if it even exists...
She wants me to come back.

I think of myself as something of an intelect.
Is that cocky?

(no work tomorrow. let's go do something.)
make me feel out of place

5057917405 [09 Mar 2006|03:23am]
I'm gunna need you to call me, thanks.

I don't have anyone's numbers anymore. I have no clue what happened to them all.
So, leave you name with your number.
Someone text messaged me today, all it said was "hi".
I called back and noone answered.
make me feel out of place

Before there was Weezer... [07 Mar 2006|09:18am]
there was Weeze.
make me feel out of place

... Oh, Jesus. [05 Mar 2006|09:49pm]
I don't know what I thought Clovis would do to me.
I guess I figured it would be something of a magic trick.
Move back home, where you know everybody and everyone knows your name.
Happiness is in comfort.

I had very selective memories of Clovis.
I idealised this place a bit.
Clovis is nothing what I remembered it.

Gone are the days of being happy doing nothing with friends.
what happened this past weekend?
Knives in the Attic played. That's it.
Yesterday was, indeed, one of my favorite nights in all of life.
Patially because I felt like I was not in Clovis anymore.
I had the privelige of speaking to a cultured young man.
A man who could speak seriously of vegetarianism and veganism.
Whose mundane topics were much more amusing than the non-speaking nature of which Clovis is compromised.
Carmela and I spoke tonight of how people stare at restaurants when you're having a conversation.

There is no culture here.
There is nothing here.
Even more nothing than when I left.

I saw the new wave of Clovis musicians.
They remind me a lot of my highschool experience.
The cool ones who hang out with the older kids.
The kids who dress in Hot Topic clothing and make fools of themselves.
The kids who went in hopes of being seen by those who are less of nobody than themselves.
These kids made me whish I was that age again.

Half of myself wishes I would never have gotten to experience San Francisco.
Then I wouldn't know what I am missing.
I failed to appreciate exactly what the city had for me.
I've been home on week, and already I want out.

I expected Clovis, New Mexico to be one big happy pill.
Instead, I feel even more lost.
Clovis, New Mexico did not turn out to be a giant Prozac.
...I can't even think of some drug to refer to this place as.

I'm getting sloppy again.
I'm drawling my words.
I'm not excercising.

If I don't move back to Clovis, I think I'll give Pheonix, AZ a chance.
It will be much easier once I'm twentyone.
Being of legal drinking age makes things a little easier when you go somewhere new.

I'm having a really hard time accepting the fact that I'm still young, and that I will probably never find true and complete happiness.
I'm at a point in my life where I am completely comfortable with myself.
Yet, I still am not happy.
I mean, I'm joyful and love life, but I don't have a feeling of nirvana in myself.
Not even close.

I keep looking to other experiences and people to give me happiness.
Perhaps that's what I should be doing, and I will find the right thing soon.
Or maybe I need to do a lot more self exploration.
Though I feel I've done quite enough of that already.

No matter how many people I know, I still feel a void.
And my lack of something makes it way easier to fall in love.
I think people think I am exagerating when I say I'm in love with someone.
Maybe I am.
Until I know what real love is, what I feel for some people is love.
Connections, they might be, and strictly connections.
For me, I'm happy calling them love.

I feel in love with a boy last night.
A twentyeight year old drummer boy from Seattle who lives in PHX.
He spoke of music scenes growing, and we joked about pretentiousness.
We discussed music politics and vegetarianism.
And aliean abductions for kegs of beer.

I should probably stop being so lame and go write some folk music.
Then, kids who feel like I do will love me.
By then I'll have found happiness, and my sad folk songs about loneliness and heartache will be sung from back-catalogs and fuzzy memories.

Champagne wishes and caviar dreams.
Soon, I hope I'll know what my lie really means.
Until then, I'll sleep on it.

PS:I totally cheated hardcore on my vegan bullshit.
I had chicken soup, a chicken sandwich, and I shared a brownie sundae.
Hopefully I'll feel like shit in the morning!
2 comments on my clothing and the makeup on my face| make me feel out of place

[02 Mar 2006|10:02pm]
My conscience is eating away at my soul.
That stupid Russian boy was depending on me.
I bailed so quick.


If I didn't jet, I'd be married.
And living in an apartment in SF with two twentyone year old Russian boys.
And visiting the INS and lawyer. A lot.
But at least I wouldn't feel like a horrible person.

I wish I was going to Popscene tonight.
One week ago, I was sitting at 61 Lucky Street with Cathrine, who I had run into on the way up from BART.
Jaclyn would arrive with Tot and Peter.
We would drink some Sierra Nevada and hop on BART.
The cab would turn around for us at Market and Montgomery, and he'd be playing Indian music from the fifties.
I'd dance like a lesbo with Jac and I'd dance to She Wants Revenge with Peter.
Cathrine and Karen are drawing on the floor when we get home.
Jaclyn walks around in a tanktop and underwear.
Peter and I pull out the futon.
Then we decide we want snacks that Catherine offered earlier (I had jello, he had pudding).

I don't believe that was a mere week ago.
3 comments on my clothing and the makeup on my face| make me feel out of place

[01 Mar 2006|09:54pm]
Haven't laughed this hard in a long time
I better stop now before I start crying
Go off to sleep in the sunshine
I don't want to see the day when it's dying

She's a sight to see, she's good to me
I'm already somebody's baby
She's a pretty thing and she knows everything
But I'm already somebody's baby

You don't deserve to be lonely
But those drugs you got won't make you feel better
Pretty soon you'll find it's the only
Little part of your life you're keeping together

I'm nice to you, I could make it through
That you're already somebody's baby
I could make you smile if you stayed a while
But how long will you stay with me baby

Because your candle burns too bright
Well, I almost forgot it was twilight
Even if I think that you are right
Well, I'm tired of being down, I got no fight

You're wonderful, when it's beautiful
But I'm already somebody's baby
And if I went with you I'd disappoint you too
Well, I'm already somebody's baby
Already somebody's baby
Elliott Smith)

I need to learn guitar already.
Like, now.
I need to sing folk songs.
I need to woo people.
I need to have a form of expression that will make people weep with desire.
Most of all, I have to sing that fucking song.
make me feel out of place

Im selfish as selfish as comes [01 Mar 2006|10:17am]
You're giving me a run for my money,

Put an eyeball on the way cute lyrics.Collapse )
make me feel out of place

[28 Feb 2006|05:32pm]
In less than 72 hours, I got a fucking job.
I am a fucking professional.
make me feel out of place

[27 Feb 2006|06:39am]
I may or may not be making sweet, sweet ear sex with Some Girls.
I forgot how easy it is to waste your life sitting at Dave's coffee shop.
I ran into everyone ever today.
I remembered exactly how small Clovis, NM is.
I am pretty sure I landed a job at Applebee's today. That def. means I scored some money making within twelve hours of being in town. I'm an interview professional.

My personality developed in California.
I had a late night discussion with someone in SF on Thursday about how in order for your personality to develop, you have to be cut off contact with society. I argued against, he in favor. He was right.
Before I left, I was very quite.
At least compared to how much I talk now.
And how loud I talk.
But that's because I'm awesome.
I am also not afraid to express my opinions.
My humor is very off-color, but it fits in well with the cutting sarcasm I so desperately missed.

It is very possible that I have been awake since 10 AM.
On Sunday.
Fuck working overnight shifts for a year.
That shit fucks with you.
And coffee, why did I start drinking coffee again?

I almost had to order steak fingers and white gravy at Dave's.
Instead I opted for onion rings.
I was proud of my willpower and felt a lot better than if I would have decided otherwise.


PS:don't be afraid to call me T.
Best wishes,
Holla Back Girl.
(Also, how did Gwen Stefani win Spin's Solo Artist?! I don't think the woman's album is nearly entirely borrowed music, and however much anyone may think she might be revolutionary - she makes annoying ridiculous music that is catchy as fuck. (Kind of like Fall Out Boy, but I never ever not even once claimed to have a great taste in music.))
make me feel out of place

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